n.o.l.a. darling

MALKOVICH WAS CONCEIVED ON THE PACIFIC ISLAND OF NEW CALEDONIA BY HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER, THEN A BARTENDER AT A PUB POPULAR WITH ESCAPED NAZIS. SHE WAS IN LABOR WHEN AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI CHASED THEM FROM IRAN DURING THE ISLAMIC REVOLUTION. MALKOVICH WAS BORN EXTREMELY SHORTLY THEREAFTER IN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' HOMETOWN OF GENOA, ITALY, WHERE HE HAD HIS DIAPERS CHANGED REGULARLY BY MISS ITALY 1978. RONALD REAGAN ALMOST BOMBED HIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN LIBYA, KILLING COLONEL QADDAFI’S “DAUGHTER” INSTEAD. HE MOVED TO LOS ANGELES DURING THE 1992 RIOTS, WHERE HE HEARD ICE CUBE'S DEATH CERTIFICATE ALBUM, RODE THE NORTHRIDGE EARTHQUAKE, AND FORMED BLX, A KIND OF PRE-INTERNET ODD FUTURE WITH MORE GRAND LARCENY. HE LEFT NYC A WEEK BEFORE THE TWIN TOWERS CAME DOWN, LONDON A WEEK BEFORE THE TUBE BOMBINGS, AND ISTANBUL A WEEK BEFORE KURDS BLEW UP THE CITY SQUARE. HE LEFT JAMAICA TWO DAYS BEFORE HURRICANE GUSTAV, AND SLEPT ON A CHURCH FLOOR IN LOUISIANA AND ATE RED CROSS GUMBO FOR THREE DAYS WITH 300 PEOPLE AFTER LOSING AN IMPORTANT BACKPACK IN HURRICANE KATRINA. HIS FATHER HATES ISLANDS. HE ONCE FELL ASLEEP ON A TRAIN AND WOKE UP IN SPAIN. HIS BEST FRIEND IS A DIRTY COP IN BELIZE CITY WHOSE NAME CAME UP DURING A GOOGLE SEARCH ON AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL'S MOST WANTED LIST. URB MAGAZINE GAVE HIS FIRST ALBUM SKELETONS ONE AND A HALF STARS OUT OF FIVE. A KID FROM NORTH HOLLYWOOD HAS LYRICS FROM THE SAME ALBUM TATTOOED ON HIS CHEST.

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